The Fear of Wanting

So many of us are afraid to say what we really want in life.  We hide it, downplay it, pretend it doesn’t matter.

After all, if we don’t admit to wanting something, we can’t be let down if it doesn’t happen—right?

Wrong.

The disappointment still comes—it's the hollow ache of regret, the cost of never giving yourself the chance to pursue what your heart truly desired.   

What We Miss Out On

Maybe it’s a profound relationship.
Maybe it’s starting a family.
Maybe it’s a bold new career path—or a move you’ve always dreamed about.

When we bury those desires, we often find ourselves in relationships, jobs, or patterns that never take us where we truly want to go.

Why We Hide Our Wants: The Vulnerability Trap

If staying quiet about what we really want makes it less likely we'll get it, why do we do it?

Because admitting a desire makes us vulnerable—and vulnerability often triggers a protective response. 

Often, fear is at the heart of it—fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being seen as needy, unrealistic, or “behind.” We worry that expressing our deepest wants might threaten connection, belonging, or security.

This isn’t a flaw—it’s your mind protecting you. In the past, hiding your desires may have kept you safe. The real question is whether this strategy still serves the life you want to build today.

The Truth About Our Wants

When we deny our wants, they don’t disappear—they just go unmet.

Over time, it can become harder to recognize what we want—and easier to believe we never wanted it in the first place.

That gap often shows up later as regret, bitterness, or persistent emptiness.

When we silence what we want we send confusing messages to the people around us and to ourselves. Others can't respond to needs we never name, and we can't move toward goals we pretend not to have.

But what if there was another way?

A Step Toward Change: Acknowledging Your Truth

So what happens when we do the opposite—when we acknowledge what we want, even just to ourselves?  

We give ourselves a chance, opening the door to possibility. 

Acting on our desires doesn’t always mean we’ll get exactly what we envisioned—life has its own way of unfolding.

But naming our desires and staying connected to our values helps us prepare for them and align our choices with the life we actually long for, even when outcomes are uncertain.

That connection allows us to move through life with greater clarity and meaning.

A Gentle Invitation

It could start with something as simple as asking yourself, 'If I were to look back at the end of my life, what would I hope to see?'  If this feels overwhelming, consider therapy as a starting place. Therapy can be a space to explore your desires without judgment, unpack the fears that keep them hidden, and begin to build a life that reflects what matters most to you.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” 

—Anaïs Nin

Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice or therapy. If you are experiencing distress, please seek support from a licensed mental health professional.